So, every few months or years I write down my current thoughts on marriage, partially because part of me thinks I'll be super groundbreakingly wise & people will come back & reference my thoughts for years to come, & partially because part of me thinks once I'm actually married I'll be able to look back on these things when times are hard & laugh & laugh. I don't usually post them anywhere, but this time the idea came in a dream & in the dream I blogged about it so I guess I will for real. Here it is:
A marriage involves 3 forms of energy:
First, there is the "passion"--that hard-to-define connection between one person & another. A lot of people call this being "in love".
Second, we have what I call the "connection"--the shared interests/hopes/dreams/&c. of the two people. This is a colder & more sure connection that can be had with platonic friends as well as romantic interests. It can even be had with enemies in certain conditions, but now we're getting side tracked.
Third, there is good old-fashioned work. The energy it takes to stick it through the hard times & build a strong marriage that lasts forever.
These correspond to three things we deal with in Thermodynamics. The hot passion of the "in love" feeling is like a region of high temperature, while the calmer intellectual connection is a region of cold temperature & the work is still work.
The biggest problems seem to come when people treat marriage like a heat engine. That is, they take the energy from the hot place of passion & expect to transform that into the energy to work through difficulties as well as foster a deeper connection. This doesn't work for two reasons: reason #1 is that the heat of passion varies with the season. Sure, sometimes it may be hot enough to get some work out of it, but other times it will be even colder than the cold intellectualism of the connection region, & if hard times decide to visit then, where are you going to get your work? But even if somehow you could keep passion burning forever, I still don't think this would last because marriage isn't a heat engine, it's a heat pump.
In seasons where passion is burning high, you can take that energy & convert it into a more solid connection, then--when the passion dies down--you can switch modes & use the cold connection to increase the heat of passion. But all the time the transformation is affected by putting work INTO the system, rather than expecting to get work out of it. You do need at least some of the other two aspects as well to run the thing efficiently*, but if you're willing to work you can always get the thing running.
At that's what I think at this time.
*When you start incorporating efficiency, this whole thing starts to break down. Ideally, you want to increase both the passion & connection in your marriage, but in heat pumps as the temperatures get further & further apart, more & more work is required to maintain those temperatures. I don't know, maybe that's accurate, but I always thought as you increase in passion & connection the work required would trend downwards (at times it may increase, but the general trend). Perhaps you could say marriage is some sort of magic heat pump with a variable efficiency & have efficiency correspond to outside circumstances? When times are easy, efficiency is high & little work is required? &/or maybe instead of having passion & connection relate directly to temperature, have them be the variables in some sort of exponential or decaying sine function that converges to a certain maximum value? &/or have them be inversely valued--that is, as passion & connection increase in magnitude, they somehow approach the same value? I don't know, & I don't want to do the math to figure it out right now. Maybe I'll write a follow-up someday.
Wednesday, December 28, 2016
Tuesday, May 3, 2016
Spring, and Love is in the Air
Those of ye who follow me on Twitter (shameless plug) know that I just (as of writing, literally just--got up shaking from the floor & am attempting to write this as my biceps continue to twitch) finished the final 100-in-one-set test of the 100 Push-Ups Challenge. But that is not what I am hear to talk about today. No, I'm going to be talking about love (well, sort of).
Now those of ye who know me know that I am almost constantly crushing on some someone, but fortunately I am smart (&/or well-raised) enough to recognize that a crush does not equal love. A crush is but a chemical reaction taking place in the brain acknowledging someone is somehow attractive--nothing more.
But those chemicals do have some power & it is annoying. I do not believe it is bad to be "a fool in love", as they say--a man who finds himself acting awkward and foolish when his wife or girlfriend gives him a compliment or holds his hand in public. There's something romantic about the way women have of reducing us to blushing schoolboys even as we stand tall & mighty in our so-called manliness (within reason, of course. If a man becomes a total fool & ruins his life or reputation chasing some girl, that is most definitely NOT romantic, but stupid. But that is a discussion for another time...). Anyway: the annoyance sets in when a crush demonstrates power over one that should be reserved for one's significant other.
Yes, this is brought on by something that happened. A certain person said a certain thing to me & I find myself still--many hours later--thinking back on it & being unable to suppress a smile. If this was my girlfriend this would be a good thing, but she's not. Regardless of what Sirecco (one of the 5 aspects of my personality--the one in charge of all things romance & Romance--it's complicated & also something for another time) wants, I am not ready nor do I have time for a girlfriend for at least a couple more years (sigh).
Ostensibly I'm a logical creature that should be able to just take it in stride--she's a friend, naught more--she probably doesn't even have an inkling what her off-hand remark did to me. But the lower parts of my brain won't shut up about her. I probably shouldn't even bother writing this here on the Internet as in 4 years this will all be over--I'll either have married her or moved on--but I record it so in 5, 10, 20 years people can see that even a near-emotionless man like me occasionally falls for females in a serious way. I just pray I have the self-control to not do anything bad because of it.
Now those of ye who know me know that I am almost constantly crushing on some someone, but fortunately I am smart (&/or well-raised) enough to recognize that a crush does not equal love. A crush is but a chemical reaction taking place in the brain acknowledging someone is somehow attractive--nothing more.
But those chemicals do have some power & it is annoying. I do not believe it is bad to be "a fool in love", as they say--a man who finds himself acting awkward and foolish when his wife or girlfriend gives him a compliment or holds his hand in public. There's something romantic about the way women have of reducing us to blushing schoolboys even as we stand tall & mighty in our so-called manliness (within reason, of course. If a man becomes a total fool & ruins his life or reputation chasing some girl, that is most definitely NOT romantic, but stupid. But that is a discussion for another time...). Anyway: the annoyance sets in when a crush demonstrates power over one that should be reserved for one's significant other.
Yes, this is brought on by something that happened. A certain person said a certain thing to me & I find myself still--many hours later--thinking back on it & being unable to suppress a smile. If this was my girlfriend this would be a good thing, but she's not. Regardless of what Sirecco (one of the 5 aspects of my personality--the one in charge of all things romance & Romance--it's complicated & also something for another time) wants, I am not ready nor do I have time for a girlfriend for at least a couple more years (sigh).
Ostensibly I'm a logical creature that should be able to just take it in stride--she's a friend, naught more--she probably doesn't even have an inkling what her off-hand remark did to me. But the lower parts of my brain won't shut up about her. I probably shouldn't even bother writing this here on the Internet as in 4 years this will all be over--I'll either have married her or moved on--but I record it so in 5, 10, 20 years people can see that even a near-emotionless man like me occasionally falls for females in a serious way. I just pray I have the self-control to not do anything bad because of it.
Thursday, March 17, 2016
Just a Random Thing
I'm going through this book called "Knowing God's Heart, Sharing His Joy: A 31 Day Experiment". Tis basically a 31-day devotional. For today (Day 2), part of the application section was to compose a song, poem, or letter to God that expresses my reaction to His greatness, so I did & I just thought I'd post the results.
*note: Pselm: a portmanteau of "Psalm" & "Seth", to mean "One of Seth's Psalms"
Sonnet #13: Pselm 1
Across this land I've walked & I have rode
I've gazed on works of man both old and new
From coquina walls where Spaniards once strode
To tower'd heights in New York City's milieu
From Point Reyes' lamphouse to Portland's light
Man's deeds do sure impress this mind of mine
But where in all this grand show of our might
Can a thing be found to compare with thine?
Our towns thou wipes away in mere minutes
Nature we've conquered? A mere foggy notion.
Our cities all in their great resplendence
Are naught compared with the deep blue ocean.
And if these are but things which you've created,
Then to thee much more greatness is fated!
*note: Pselm: a portmanteau of "Psalm" & "Seth", to mean "One of Seth's Psalms"
Thursday, February 11, 2016
If I Put an Underdog Joke Here, It Would Both Ruin the Twist & No One Would Get It
Tis 0545 & I wish I was asleep, but I have been up for an hour & a half already & figured I should do something productive. Well, not 'productive' per se, but this is a thought--not an altogether original thought bu any means, but a thought--that I have had a few times recently & I thought I should write it down & did not feel like turning on a light & thus committing to waking up fully for the day to write it in my journal. Also, it is about time for my yearly update. Anyway, here goes...
Obviously, God teaches us things throughout our lives. I feel like last semester was all about trust. Trust that He not only provides for my needs, but also provides for many of the things I want as well. I knew this already, but last semester was the first time I really, actually, truly had a chance to apply it, & while it took longer than it probably should have, I eventually was assured of the fact & it was great. What can I say? I have trust issues with everybody, why should God be an exception? I mean, ideally He should be, but He isn't--at least not yet.
Tis a bit early to presume to know what the theme of this semester is going to be, but I think I have an idea:
I feel like a fish. Last semester God said, "Hey, come up here on the shore. You'll like it up here."
I respond, "Are you sure? I like my pond OK--I mean, I have been feeling like I've been swimming in circles for quite a while, but they're really awesome circles."
He says, "I'm sure. Trust me."
"OK, I trust you--I always have--I mean, I've always said I always have & you've never let me down before."
I jump out of the pond with eagerness & excitement, wondering what wonderful things await me on the other side. I land in the sand with a thump. It isn't pleasant. It's coarse & rough &--well, you know. The air burns. I can't breathe. I flop around, gills straining to find something to strain for oxygen. It is not wonderful--it is very much not wonderful.
I don't know what I want. Part of my screams out to God to throw me back in the water, but He just stands there. Another part knows He must have put me out here for a reason & trusts Him implicitly, but I can't breathe. Perhaps it was all a lesson in how to be content with pond life. Perhaps He's going to let me suffer before turning me into a bird or a lion or whatever He's planning to do with me out here. Yeah, it'll be awesome then, but for now it is horrible. I'm not sure which I want, nor which is best, but I know He knows--but I can't breathe--there's no water for my gills,
Then it hits me--I'm not dying. It's a strange feeling--something in my chest expands & fills my blood with life-giving oxygen from the air. It's still not pleasant--this new, weird, & altogether alien feeling--but I'm not dying. After the first few gasped, painful breaths, it begins to feel less strange, & not altogether unpleasant. God picks me up & dusts off some of the sand. Slowly I realize I'm not a fish--I'm a frog.
As much I wish it hadn't been such a rude awakening, I don't see how it could it have gone any other way--at least for me. God can't breathe for me--well, He could if He wanted to, but what would I be but a rag doll of impotence if He did--I had to either do it on my own or live forever in my little pond. I'm sure others managed the transition with more aplomb than I, but others didn't. Moreover, I don't need to compare myself to others--& thus we come to this year.
After getting over the initial shock, I began meekly hopping around. I'm kind of embarrassed. I've always been considered a good swimmer & that's always been embarrassing enough, but this just feels like showing off. All around me turtles & lizards crawl around trying to get from one place to another & here I am--me & the small handful of other frogs--just leaping up on everything with very little effort. Meanwhile, the dragonflies & mosquitoes flit about from place to place with even greater ease, but they exhaust themselves & die before the day is over. Then there's the fish--stuck forever in that little water body. True, there's the so-called "higher animals"--birds & mammals & such--but everybody knows they're great, I'm just a frog.
What business have I, showing off like this while my new fellow pond creatures wallow in the mud or burn out before their time? I still don't know, but God seems to be saying "Jump, for it is how I made you. Every creature is made to do what I made it to do, & I made you to jump."
OK then. I'm a frog. I jump. Like breathing, it'll take a bit to get used to, but I refuse to be embarrassed any longer. I won't be a jerk about it & rub it in the turtle's faces, but if I'm made to jump then I'll learn to do it well & embrace it. Or at least that's what I'm working on for now.
(If you don't know me or do but didn't catch it, I'm using jumping is a metaphor for being smart.)
As with the trust thing, this is something that people have been telling me like forever & I've tried at various times to incorporate it, but now it seems to be coming to a head. Not a terribly original or ground-breaking theological truth, but this not a seminary thesis, tis my blog--web log, as in, a log of my life. & this is my life now.
(wherein I have to decide--it being now 0650--whether to go back to bed or to stay up since I have class at 0800 & in so staying feel dead tired for at least the next few hours .)
Obviously, God teaches us things throughout our lives. I feel like last semester was all about trust. Trust that He not only provides for my needs, but also provides for many of the things I want as well. I knew this already, but last semester was the first time I really, actually, truly had a chance to apply it, & while it took longer than it probably should have, I eventually was assured of the fact & it was great. What can I say? I have trust issues with everybody, why should God be an exception? I mean, ideally He should be, but He isn't--at least not yet.
Tis a bit early to presume to know what the theme of this semester is going to be, but I think I have an idea:
I feel like a fish. Last semester God said, "Hey, come up here on the shore. You'll like it up here."
I respond, "Are you sure? I like my pond OK--I mean, I have been feeling like I've been swimming in circles for quite a while, but they're really awesome circles."
He says, "I'm sure. Trust me."
"OK, I trust you--I always have--I mean, I've always said I always have & you've never let me down before."
I jump out of the pond with eagerness & excitement, wondering what wonderful things await me on the other side. I land in the sand with a thump. It isn't pleasant. It's coarse & rough &--well, you know. The air burns. I can't breathe. I flop around, gills straining to find something to strain for oxygen. It is not wonderful--it is very much not wonderful.
I don't know what I want. Part of my screams out to God to throw me back in the water, but He just stands there. Another part knows He must have put me out here for a reason & trusts Him implicitly, but I can't breathe. Perhaps it was all a lesson in how to be content with pond life. Perhaps He's going to let me suffer before turning me into a bird or a lion or whatever He's planning to do with me out here. Yeah, it'll be awesome then, but for now it is horrible. I'm not sure which I want, nor which is best, but I know He knows--but I can't breathe--there's no water for my gills,
Then it hits me--I'm not dying. It's a strange feeling--something in my chest expands & fills my blood with life-giving oxygen from the air. It's still not pleasant--this new, weird, & altogether alien feeling--but I'm not dying. After the first few gasped, painful breaths, it begins to feel less strange, & not altogether unpleasant. God picks me up & dusts off some of the sand. Slowly I realize I'm not a fish--I'm a frog.
As much I wish it hadn't been such a rude awakening, I don't see how it could it have gone any other way--at least for me. God can't breathe for me--well, He could if He wanted to, but what would I be but a rag doll of impotence if He did--I had to either do it on my own or live forever in my little pond. I'm sure others managed the transition with more aplomb than I, but others didn't. Moreover, I don't need to compare myself to others--& thus we come to this year.
After getting over the initial shock, I began meekly hopping around. I'm kind of embarrassed. I've always been considered a good swimmer & that's always been embarrassing enough, but this just feels like showing off. All around me turtles & lizards crawl around trying to get from one place to another & here I am--me & the small handful of other frogs--just leaping up on everything with very little effort. Meanwhile, the dragonflies & mosquitoes flit about from place to place with even greater ease, but they exhaust themselves & die before the day is over. Then there's the fish--stuck forever in that little water body. True, there's the so-called "higher animals"--birds & mammals & such--but everybody knows they're great, I'm just a frog.
What business have I, showing off like this while my new fellow pond creatures wallow in the mud or burn out before their time? I still don't know, but God seems to be saying "Jump, for it is how I made you. Every creature is made to do what I made it to do, & I made you to jump."
OK then. I'm a frog. I jump. Like breathing, it'll take a bit to get used to, but I refuse to be embarrassed any longer. I won't be a jerk about it & rub it in the turtle's faces, but if I'm made to jump then I'll learn to do it well & embrace it. Or at least that's what I'm working on for now.
(If you don't know me or do but didn't catch it, I'm using jumping is a metaphor for being smart.)
As with the trust thing, this is something that people have been telling me like forever & I've tried at various times to incorporate it, but now it seems to be coming to a head. Not a terribly original or ground-breaking theological truth, but this not a seminary thesis, tis my blog--web log, as in, a log of my life. & this is my life now.
(wherein I have to decide--it being now 0650--whether to go back to bed or to stay up since I have class at 0800 & in so staying feel dead tired for at least the next few hours .)
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